(heads up: this is a long post.)
A few months back the singles' class at church did a short dating series. Although the class was only two weeks long, the discussions and facebook article posts have continued for months, due to the obvious interest in the topic.
The premise of the series was "dating is for the purpose of finding a marriage partner". With that premise, the teacher asked us to name the different qualifications and characteristics we look for in people we date, and potentially marry. After about 20 min, there were 40+ items on the white board. Then the teacher asked which items were biblical, in the sense where you could find a verse that clearly defines them. Only three made the cut: Christian, opposite sex, and not married. (Yes, you could argue that other characteristics such as financially secure, attractive, well educated are also Scripturally substantiated, but for the purpose of his lesson, he kept the main thing the main thing.)
That evening I had a light-bulb moment: we make fantasy-lands out of Scripture to justify how we live or don't live.
This was the start of another journey of healing -- healing from my past of legalism and "I kissed dating goodbye". I literally kissed dating goodbye when I was about 12 (I was probably more like 16) and basically everything else that went along with that, including marriage. In my defense, I didn't know I was throwing the baby out with the bath water. I really thought I was saving myself for marriage. Saving myself from the situation where if I talked to a guy, it would go too far and we might get pregnant. (I'm only exaggerating sightly.)
What I didn't know is in the process of kissing dating goodbye, I was locking myself down, emotions, body, communication, and yes, trust in God. The focus was on what not to do, instead of what God was calling me to do. It was fear-based, outcome-based, worse-case-scenario-based.
(In my parents' defense, while we attended this legalistic church and they sent us to all the associated youth conferences, they didn't buy into the movement hook, line, and sinker. My dad, especially, saw the legalism and the thinly supported framework. In fact, they even let us have guy friends! And we didn't even get pregnant when we were out building forts and having Bible studies. Miracle of miracles. But I was a very impressionable pre-teen and teen who consciously and subconsciously absorbed the idea that the only thing I should be kissing was dating as it was headed out the door.)
The "I kissed dating goodbye" movement was a fantasy-land built out of extruded verses of Scripture. I believe its original intent was to honor God, but it's motive was ultimately based in fear: "if I do this, this might happen, so I'm not going to do that". It took the focus off of what God wants from us -- to love Him and to love people -- and put it on how to best protect ourselves from the world. We put the burden of protection on ourselves, instead of trusting God with it.
I say "start of a journey of healing" because I think what we experience as kids, we will always have to deal with as adults; but as healthy adults, we put those experiences in their proper place instead of being controlled by them. They may not ever go away, but they will be in the woodshed out back, instead of taking up residence in the living rooms, kitchens, and bedrooms of our lives.
More to come...
