advent - day 4

The wolf shall dwell with the lamb,
and the leopard shall lie down with
the young goat,
and the calf and the lion and the
fattened calf together;
and a little child shall lead them.
The cow and the bear shall graze;
their young shall lie down together;
and the lion shall eat straw like an ox.

The nursing child shall play over the
hole of the cobra,
and the weaned child shall put his
hand on the adder's den.
They shall not hurt or destroy
in all my holy mountain;
for the earth shall be full of the
knowledge of the LORD
as the waters cover the sea.

In that day the root of Jesse, who shall stand as a signal for the peoples - of him shall the nations inquire, and his resting place shall be glorious.

Isaiah 11:6-10

advent - day 3

There shall come forth a shoot from
the stump of Jesse,
and a branch from his roots shall bear
fruit.
And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest
upon him,
the Spirit of wisdom and
understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and might,
the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of
the LORD.

He shall not judge by what his eyes see,
or decide disputes by what his ears
hear,
but with righteousness he shall judge
the poor,
and decide with equity for the meek
of the earth;
and he shall strike the earth with the rod
of his mouth,
and with the breath of his lips he shall
kill the wicked.
Righteousness shall be the belt of his
waist,
and faithfulness the belt of his loins.

Isaiah 11: 1-5

advent - day 2

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his
shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and
of peace
there will be no end.,
on the throne of David and over his
kingdom,
to establish it and to uphold it
with justice and with righteousness
from this time forth and forevermore.
The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do
this.

Isaiah 9:6-7

advent - day 1

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel. He shall eat curds and honey when he knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good.

For before the boy knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good, the land whose two kings you dread will be deserted. The LORD will bring upon you and upon your people and upon your father's house such days as have not come since the day that Ephraim departed from Judah -- the king of Assyria. 

Isaiah 7:14-17

follow

I follow Him who helps me exchange a path of fear and hesitation
for a road to skate down, Walter Mitty-style,
the sun beaming on my back.

I follow Him who makes breakfast on the beach,
feeding stomach and restoring soul.

I follow Him who welcomes this elder-brother,
three-year-old-tantrum-thrower
into the party,
out of the cold, into the warmth.

I follow Him who sheds His grace
on me even when I tell Him
I don't like him much. 

I follow Him who will one day make
everything right and good and
beautiful in its time.

I follow Him who will one day help
these dim eyes see the new city and eternal glory.

obedience + trust

I used to think trust was an emotion.
A thought. A pleasant little something. 
Hot-oatmeal-in-your-tummy, warm fuzzies.
It sort of happened on a sunny day, when
Hope felt near and the horizon beckoned.
 
But now I know is it sometimes just
a raw obedience. One foot in front of the other.
Even when you don't know how you're going
to do that job. Or let go of that thing you want.
Or say that thing you don't want to say.

The Sometimes has turned into a Season.
And a season into a year.
And a year into a lifetime.

 
I wonder if these steps, one tiny step after the other,
will take me right to Heaven's door without a fulfilling of
what I see is best. Will I keep putting my feet forward?
Keep on the path in front of me? When obedience is raw,
weighty, and almost crushing.

Oh that I would carry the weight of trust
with the help of Him who has brought me
here thus far. That I would do this job, and let
go of that thing, and say that word. And let my
heart be beckoned to the next unfamiliar horizon.

Step to horizon.
Horizon to season.
Season to year.

Heaven

will be where you will have:

the perfect bag
the perfect notebook
the perfect pen

to fit every occasion. just one of each. adaptable, convenient, sturdy and elegant.

until I get to eternity, my search will continue.

Learn + Stress + Travel

I used to have two criteria for a job for it to be satisfying:

1) I am able to learn new things
2) The stress in manageable

I've recently added a third criteria:

3) Travel is less than 50%, ideally less than 25%

I've had the privilege of traveling to New York City, San Fransisco, Chicago, Washington DC, and a gazillion other places and have had some really great experiences and met wonderful folks along the way.

But I'm tired of being on the road. I'd like to work in the city I live in.

Prayers around this, please. 

And

The evilness of Planned Parenthood (PP) has been brought to light. Its evilness is far darker than 18th and 19th century slavery and the Holocaust and all wars, combined. May the light we've seen so far only be the earliest stages of the dawn, opening into a day where this entity will cease to exist.

There's an "and" to this.

And for every baby killed in the caverns of PP, there's a woman who lives. A woman* who lives with any possible form of emotion found on the grand scale of emotions -- maybe relief, maybe pride for "exercising the right to her choice", maybe seemingly indifferent, maybe tormented.

This blog post is for the tormented.

So to the woman who is tormented: I have mulled over this post for several weeks now, ever since the first PP video came out. I have put it off, since I'm just a single woman who has never faced the choice to go through an abortion. Who I am to have anything to say? What right do I have to think I can speak into this? And you're probably right: I have no words and I don't understand the emotions you feel or the path you've been on. But I do have arms that can hug and tears to share (some of the tears have already been shed). I wish we could sit down over tea and just talk it out**. I'd tell you it would be okay and there is a path out of the cavern, out of the torment. I'd call you my sister and my friend and remind you you are not alone.

I would tell about Him who is Faithful and True and will wipe every tear from your eye and will make all things new and who went to Hell and back for you and who loves you like no other, even as he knows every detail of your life. I'd tell you that He is faithful and true to you and He will heal you completely. I would stop you when you say what you've done is beyond His grasp of healing. I would remind you that He who created the stars and knows each hair on your head loves you more than you could ever comprehend and wants to heal your heart completely.

So friend, I'm so sorry the past few weeks have been torturous. I pray that the light we've seen in the media of late can somehow bring you into the Light - the Light who will calm your fears and heal your heart and give you back your joy and peace and hope. 


*this post doesn't even try address the men, grandparents, siblings who are part of this. 
** if you are this woman and you want to have tea, please email me at kmac0909 at gmail dot com.

Random Post for July

• It's okay to have days where you can't stop crying. I hate days like this and I think I've had two in the duration of my whole life. One was last Sunday. 
• I have some amazing friends. They are okay when I can't stop crying. And remind me that I'm not a bad person for it.
• Prayer is vital. 
• Prayer is hard and I have ADD when it comes to focusing during prayer. 
• There are a lot of moving parts in my life right now -- and for someone who doesn't like change, this is forcing me to trust.
• Life doesn't get easier. It gets harder. And requires a hard fight to keep a soft heart. 
• Gratitude helps with keeping a soft heart. 

photos from recent vacation

Gumbum and Schmelty

this hammock got a lot of air time

with my youngest nephew

natural born teacher

travel gems

Putting these gems on the blog for future memories to laugh / cringe at. Right now, I'm glad they are past events of the day, even though I think I'd be better off had they never happened.

Men in hotels. There are some that you can tell would go to your room in a heartbeat. You could get sex any night of the week. Just line them up. It's also sad that there are women that encourage it. And good men who have to ward them off.

Me boarding my flight: tripped over my suitcase, almost dumped my tea on a guy in an aisle seat, dropped my cell phone and didn't know it till I sat down, hit the arm rest on the seat on the way down (ouch), almost sat in the wrong row, sat down and realized my phone was sitting in the row in front of me.

Same flight: the guy next to me spilled red wine EVERYWHERE. smelled like booze the whole trip. New one for the travel diary. Get me off this plane. Stat.

I think I need a job with less travel. Stat.

vacation

wind in the high country pine trees
no laptop
turned my phone off
hiked about 30 miles in 5 days
hiked trails I hadn't ever hiked
G&Ts
steak dinner after a long hike
the mountain (God's mountain, as one nephew called it) 
took lots of photos of two cute nephews
a good book
a good movie series (simple, sweet, hopeful, and good for my soul)
no bugs, no humidity
watching Dad fell trees and stacking firewood
late for the train coffee
a cabin in the woods
perspective on life 

limitations

this past year has been a year of me learning my limitations. it's been painful and very hard.

here's what i've learned about them:

• they smack me like a brick wall when i run up against them
• they are good
• they are foreign to how i want to live
• they are in a constant war with my desire to please people
• they are in a constant war with my desire to help and encourage people

not living within limitations: 

• is delusional
• never ends well
• gets us quickly into serious trouble
• is denial that we're human and not God
• prevents us from doing what we're called to do 
• is rooted in pride

living within limitations looks like this:

• it's really really hard
• it is not giving someone something you have but they have no right to
• it is not giving someone something you have but they have not earned the right to
• giving someone your time and energy within a reasonable construct
• not giving in to the feeling of failure when you can't help someone
• having the energy and tools to do what you're called to do
• protecting your ability to fulfill your responsibilities 
• people won't understand your limitations and will likely misinterpret your inability to help them 

isolation

I've learned and observed a few things about isolation.

• it is hardly ever helpful
• it is not the same as solitude
• it makes us incredibly vulnerable 

• it is the easy path initially, but the results are a thousand times harder than had we lived in community
• inside it, our perspectives become ridiculously skewed
• it is often the choice when there is pain or the need to be perfect
• it is the thing we want most when we're in pain
• it is the thing we need least when we're in pain
• it is the opposite of unity and fellowship
• it is a prideful tactic: thinking we can go it alone, when our original design demands we live in community
• it is disobedience (sin?) to how God called us to live
• it is incredibly hard to cultivate community: vulnerability and humility are requirements
• true community is like a warm fireplace in a big log cabin after a long day out in the cold

a tender heart

A tender heart: something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately.

What is it, why is it important, and what does it take to keep one?

I would define a tender heart as something strong but soft. "Steel wrapped in mink." Believing that Hope is never lost, beauty can always be found, and forgiveness trumps every wrong. It has a realistic viewpoint that this side of eternity there will be pain and evil and enemies. It is not naive to think that hurt will not be experienced and dealt. It knows that even though some days are really really bad, the years are sweet and eternity is glorious. 

Why is this important? Because a tender heart is the antidote to bitterness, the cancer of our souls. It fights off the accusations of the enemy while delivering encouragement to the faint of heart. It shoots down evil by giving comfort to the hurting. It shows the dark side that Hope always has the last word and the good guys win in the end.

How do we keep a tender heart? This article sums it up: "We will live in the reality of life instead of in our hidden expectations of how we want to be treated. We will choose to not be offended or hurt. [In the midst of great pain, we choose] kindness, compassion and love."

Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true.) Ephesians 5:8-9

I love Spring in Texas

Three responses

I've observed and been taught there are three responses to suffering in the Christian community:

1. Suffering becomes our identity and a pivotal point around which we live our lives. It defines how we see the world and what we believe (or don't believe) about God and His promises. It typically results in bitterness. We're stuck in the past and what happened to us and we miss the beauty of today.

2. Suffering is minimized. Deep hurt is pushed under the rug and ignored; bruises and wounds are not treated. This typically results in feeling numb to the life around us, or anger expressed in ways that make no sense (but really, it does make sense). 

3. Suffering leads to redemptive comfort. We call suffering what is it -- it sucks, it's painful, we hate it, we want things to be different. But we trust and hope in His purposes through it all. We rest in the deep peace that His comfort brings. We know that Hebrews 4:14-16 is true. We acknowledge the ugly truth of the past, but we look to the future with hope.

the term "redemptive comfort" comes from the book Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands by Paul Tripp

BSF

I've been going to Bible Study Fellowship since January. It's a structured study of the Bible and brilliant in it's model of taking us through the passage four times in four different ways. I know and understand the passage much better once I'm done with the four different study steps. I guess I need to hear something four times before it really sticks!

Below is a collection of principles coming out of the lectures over the past couple of months (lessons 14 to 24). Some are simple and profound, some new, some hard:

• It is impossible to have relationship with God apart from Jesus.
• Upon confession of sin, believers are cleansed and purified through the blood of Jesus. 
• Believers are set apart for God, and how we choose to live matters. 
• Consecration to God means being set apart for His work; when your work is done, He takes you home. 
• To worship and serve God His way brings joy. 
• Our actions are motivated by the attitude of our heart. 
• God's people must still train their minds to remember Him daily.
• God is holy and cannot tolerate sin in His presence. 
• Jesus was sacrificed once to take away the sins of all who believe in Him. 
• God's instructions are designed to bring Him glory and to benefit others. 
• In God's economy, obedience brings blessing and disobedience brings punishment. 
• God keeps His word, and so should His people. 
• Faith in God is what conquers complaining. 
• Faith in God is proved by trusting in His provision and going to Him with our struggles. 
• Sooner or later, God will vindicate His faithful servants. 
• As God's people, we are called to measure our giants against God and not ourselves. 
• True faith is man's weakness leaning on God's strength. 
• Continued disobedience only brings more trouble. 
• The temptation to sin is no respecter of position, age or spiritual maturity. 
• Let God pick your battles for you. 
• God's people can trust Him to be faithful, even when we are not. 
• God delights in responding to the prayers of His people. 
• Eternal life and the security it brings can only be found in Jesus; it is not something that can be earned. 
• God is faithful and always delivers on His promises. 
• God cannot be manipulated. 
• No one can hinder the plans of God. 
• Idols are anything people use as a substitute for God.

blue corn catfish tacos

I'm grateful for blue-corn-encrusted-catfish tacos
And the friend who dragged me out to
experience them
post bible study last night.

A weird day, yesterday, with various items
between the bookends of sunup
and sundown. Some items small:
slow morning and earl grey tea. Some
things foreign and painful: cancer
treatment center and 21 brothers gone
ahead into eternity. Some items
weighty and convicting: would I be a
Caleb or Joshua or one of the fearful 10? 

A weird day, seemingly random, sprinkled
with the beautiful and the painful. A sample of
a lifetime, days touched by cancer and the
witnesses who go before us, tacos and good company.

Bouncing step and fiery love

Madigan, handsome red head
with bouncing step
and warm belly laugh.

Passionate and fiery,  you walk - no
run - through life with the beauty and
power of a thunderstorm.

You love your brothers and kin
with a pure and deep love that
pierces and builds. 

May you be always be Tough and
Tender. Tough in standing by your
convictions and protecting those
you love. Tender toward the Truth of
God and your care of His Kingdom.

Know that you are deeply loved.

Happy birthday from your Ankie Tae. 

tap tap - is this thing on?

What I would like to say if I was ever given an open mic in a group of single peers and brave enough to actually say anything:

(From a single woman to the single men:)

Why are you dating us? If it's for a good time or a social companion, fine. If it's for the purpose of finding a potential spouse, even better. But either way (and anything in between) please define it. And define it early and often, as the relationship changes and grows. Don't leave us guessing or put us in the awkward place of having to bring it up first.

Give us more than just a couple dates. Some of us are shy and unsure. But even if we're not shy and unsure, we're also not going to let you see the "real me" until we know we can trust you with that info. Show us that you are safe and trustworthy and we'll open up.

When you protect us, that needs to include, most importantly, our heart. It's our job to protect our hearts, too, so please know you don't bear that responsibility on your own. And it's our job to help protect your heart by being sincere and honest with you.

When you define things for us, you set us free to enjoy the experience of dating you and the parameters help immensely in keeping our hearts appropriately paced with the progress or status of the relationship.

We've all bought into the current culture's model (demand) of physical beauty and good looks. No, really, we all have. Women just as much as men. So can we agree to and encourage each other to remember to look through that physical body (not ignoring it) to the heart and mind? Can we all agree that after a kid or two or a couple decades that body will most likely look very different? The heart and mind will continue to grow, while the body will (rather quickly) deteriorate. Are your physical "requirements" realistic, given this inevitability?

Every (non platonic) physical touch has an emotional tie to our heart. The more intimate the touch the deeper the tie.  This is a beautiful thing with appropriate (and verbalized) commitment. It's a very scary thing without and can bring about deep insecurity and confusion. Understand that you have no idea what these heart stings feel like or how strong they are, so just trust us when we say they are there and very real. I may even say a woman's desire for emotional intimacy and security is as strong as a man's desire for sex.

Feedback welcome. And the huge assumptions surrounding this piece are shamelessly admitted to and provided upon request.

And thank you to the men out there who are aware of and doing these things. You're my heroes.

two reactions

I've lately observed two reactions to sin made by Christians:

On one side of the scale, we say, "I sinned, I'm a sinner, I'm going to keep sinning." Shoulders shrugged in an "oh well" and followed a sort of cavalier attitude toward it all. Something like "oops, sorrynotsorry" and an unwillingness to put ourselves in places where we won't fail in sin. It is a disregard from the grace and sacrifice made on the Cross and the call to holiness (that will always seem foreign and out of touch in our current culture).

On the other side of the scale, we say, "I sinned, I'm a loser, I don't deserve God's love, I'll never amount to anything because of it, there's no way to move past the past." This is a strange form of pride (?) and also a complete disregard for the grace and sacrifice of the Cross.

As Christians, we need to be fleeing from both sides of this scale - we need to confess and acknowledge our sin, call it what it is, recognize the consequences, move away and move on, and put ourselves in positions where we will succeed in obedience to God.

lion chasers

Lion chasers challenge the status quo. They climb cliffs, move the foreign countries, and build boats in the desert. Lion chasers are often considered crazy, but they are able to do these things because they aren't afraid of uncertainty. They don't need to know what is coming next because they know that God knows. They don't need explanations for every disappointment because they know that God has a plan. Lion chasers refuse to settle down because they want to experience every divine twist and turn that God has in store for them.

~ source unknown (found on Kendall Jennings' facebook page)

safety

A man can make a woman feel physically safe, but she can still feel emotionally unsafe.

A man who makes a woman feel emotionally safe (almost) automatically will also make her feel physically safe.